My Good Boy

Seventeen years ago when I told my dad that Robert and I were getting married, he was not impressed to say the least.  My dad rarely gave his opinion on my decisions, his approach was always to let me get on with it and be there if I messed up.  On this occasion he felt so strongly that he told me what he thought, and his thought was that this was going to be a big mistake.  When Robert was a teenager it seems he was in my dad's opinion, a bit of an idiot.  I didn't know Robert then because at the time I was married with young children and therefore not paying any attention to 16 year old boys.  Seven years later my circumstances had changed and Robert and I were together.  I asked my dad to give him a chance and he said he would.  Over the years I was pretty sure that Robert had managed to change my dad's opinion.  Now let me tell what has been happening for the last few weeks.

My mum is now 91 and has dementia.  She cannot do all the things she used to do, and she is the one that needs looking after.  When we were little my mum and dad had very traditional roles in the home.  Even though they both worked full time, my mum did all the cooking and cleaning.  My dad's contribution was doing the dishes and some dodgy DIY.  My mum once told me that many years ago she had asked my dad to help her with some housework and clean the windows.  He did it, and when she pointed out to him that he had missed the corners he threw down the cloth he had been using and announced that he would never do it again. Now I don't know how accurate that story is, but I don't have any memories of him doing housework.

My mum and dad have always been independent.  They are the type of people who just cope and get on with things.  They don't ask for help, unless it's to do with something technical like the tv going wrong or the computer not working properly.  We knew that dad was now having to look after mum and do so much more around the house, and I think we assumed he would cope because he always had done.  Over the last few months it was beginning to become apparent that maybe my dad wasn't coping as well as we assumed. I hadn't thought about it until now, but because dad had never had to look after children,  or do all the daily things that needed doing to keep a home up to scratch that he actually didn't know how.  But how do you approach your dad and tell him that at 84 he needed to start doing things differently?  I had been thinking about this for weeks and finally plucked up the courage to go round and talk to him.  He said he knew that there were things that needed doing and he knew he needed to do something about it.  So together we started making plans on how we could do a few things that would make looking after mum a little easier for him.

Then Robert happened.  Over the last few weeks, Robert has been at my mum and dad's house practically everyday.  He has organised a professional cleaner to come in every week and do all the cleaning that my dad can't.  He has, with my dad, gone through every room in the house, including the loft and cleared out all the out of date food, all the empty boxes for products my dad no longer owns, all the piles of hoarded junk that was taking up valuable space in their one bedroom bungalow.  He has fixed things and moved things and helped my dad buy a few things for the house that are going to make life better, like a chair for my mum that reclines and also helps her stand up. He has been to the council and arranged for all the jobs that needed doing on the house like fixing the boiler, mending the guttering and installing an extractor fan in the bathroom, to get done.

Last Sunday my dad came up to me, put his hand on my shoulder and said "you've got a good boy there.  He's been brilliant".

Not what this is about

I don't want my blog to be all full of introspection and that kind of stuff, but as it's the start of a new year and not a lot has happened this week, I thought I'd maybe share a few thoughts.  I don't make new year resolutions because I never keep them and also because if I want to start or stop doing something then I can do that any day of the week.  I don't feel I have to wait for new year to make changes in my life, and also because I'm too lazy to make changes in my life and generally tend to carry on as I've always done.

But here's the thing.  It's no secret that I am overweight, and have been my entire life.  This problem got worse when I was in my thirties and despite numerous attempts, I have never been able to sustain a weight loss programme long enough to reach my goal weight and stay there.  When I first started trying to do something about it when I was around thirty six I said I didn't want to be fat and forty.  Well that milestone came and went and even though I have at times been much lighter than I am now, I'm still fat.  So now I'm approaching my fifties and I'm saying I don't want to be fat and fifty.

Someone I know who is older than me has just reached her goal weight and I am very happy for her, but I want that to be me.  I want this year to be the year that I finally tackle my issues with food and become healthier, and as a consequence, happier.  There is type 2 diabetes in my family which I don't want to develop, and on Christmas eve a relative of my extended family who was severely overweight, died.  I don't know all the circumstances around her death, but I am sure that her weight was a contributing factor in her body being unable to recover.

Now it's all very well sitting here typing away on my laptop and spouting all this rhetoric, but will it be empty?  I don't want it to be.  I know the difference been healthy and unhealthy food and I know that it can be summed up in the simple phrase "eat less, move more".   I have the knowledge but have always lacked the commitment and the staying power when it gets tough.

Yesterday, Robert and I went for a five mile walk on a converted railway track just behind our house.    Across the road from me is a modest stately home that has a long drive and grounds around it that are open to the public and are good to walk in.  I live on a main road that is well lit for walking at night.  Basically I'm saying that I have the facilities nearby to get out of the house and get my body moving, so the only thing stopping me is me.

Three of my daughters are adults and have used me as a terrible warning as far as getting overweight is concerned.  They are all making sure they don't become their mother, so at least I have served some purpose.  Now I just need to follow their example so that when they finally settle down and get married, I can be proud of myself on the wedding photos rather than be hiding behind other people.

I have also been thinking about my mum.  She is 91 years old and has dementia.  She has difficulty remembering some people these days.  A few weeks ago she said to me "I know you're Jean and I know you're my daughter, but I don't remember".  While my mum can still remember who I am, I want to show her a healthier, happier daughter, because she's never seen my like that as an adult.

I try to be honest with myself, and I know that I am rubbish at setting goals.  If I said that I wanted to be a certain weight by a certain date I know from past experience that I will fail, because I seem to have this inbuilt sabotage system that stops me from achieving goals that are date specific.

So this is me setting out my stall for this year.  I want to end the year noticeably lighter than when I started it.  I'll keep you posted.