Not what this is about

I don't want my blog to be all full of introspection and that kind of stuff, but as it's the start of a new year and not a lot has happened this week, I thought I'd maybe share a few thoughts.  I don't make new year resolutions because I never keep them and also because if I want to start or stop doing something then I can do that any day of the week.  I don't feel I have to wait for new year to make changes in my life, and also because I'm too lazy to make changes in my life and generally tend to carry on as I've always done.

But here's the thing.  It's no secret that I am overweight, and have been my entire life.  This problem got worse when I was in my thirties and despite numerous attempts, I have never been able to sustain a weight loss programme long enough to reach my goal weight and stay there.  When I first started trying to do something about it when I was around thirty six I said I didn't want to be fat and forty.  Well that milestone came and went and even though I have at times been much lighter than I am now, I'm still fat.  So now I'm approaching my fifties and I'm saying I don't want to be fat and fifty.

Someone I know who is older than me has just reached her goal weight and I am very happy for her, but I want that to be me.  I want this year to be the year that I finally tackle my issues with food and become healthier, and as a consequence, happier.  There is type 2 diabetes in my family which I don't want to develop, and on Christmas eve a relative of my extended family who was severely overweight, died.  I don't know all the circumstances around her death, but I am sure that her weight was a contributing factor in her body being unable to recover.

Now it's all very well sitting here typing away on my laptop and spouting all this rhetoric, but will it be empty?  I don't want it to be.  I know the difference been healthy and unhealthy food and I know that it can be summed up in the simple phrase "eat less, move more".   I have the knowledge but have always lacked the commitment and the staying power when it gets tough.

Yesterday, Robert and I went for a five mile walk on a converted railway track just behind our house.    Across the road from me is a modest stately home that has a long drive and grounds around it that are open to the public and are good to walk in.  I live on a main road that is well lit for walking at night.  Basically I'm saying that I have the facilities nearby to get out of the house and get my body moving, so the only thing stopping me is me.

Three of my daughters are adults and have used me as a terrible warning as far as getting overweight is concerned.  They are all making sure they don't become their mother, so at least I have served some purpose.  Now I just need to follow their example so that when they finally settle down and get married, I can be proud of myself on the wedding photos rather than be hiding behind other people.

I have also been thinking about my mum.  She is 91 years old and has dementia.  She has difficulty remembering some people these days.  A few weeks ago she said to me "I know you're Jean and I know you're my daughter, but I don't remember".  While my mum can still remember who I am, I want to show her a healthier, happier daughter, because she's never seen my like that as an adult.

I try to be honest with myself, and I know that I am rubbish at setting goals.  If I said that I wanted to be a certain weight by a certain date I know from past experience that I will fail, because I seem to have this inbuilt sabotage system that stops me from achieving goals that are date specific.

So this is me setting out my stall for this year.  I want to end the year noticeably lighter than when I started it.  I'll keep you posted.