Advice to my Younger Self

As I've mentioned recently, I'm undertaking a writing challenge.  As part of this, I am emailed a daily writing prompt that I can use if I'm out of ideas of my own.  I haven't used them up to now as I've always managed to come up with something myself, but I like today's prompt so decided to go with it.

Today’s writing prompt for me is to write a letter to your children or your younger self.  So far I've not used the writing prompts as I've always managed to find something hidden inside myself, but I like the sound of this one, and in the absence of anything better this evening, this is what I'm going to try and do.

I'm no spring chicken and there’s been a lot of life experience going on over the last fifty two years, but what out of all this would I want to warn my younger self about?  I'm trying to picture times in my life when I've felt completely without hope.  Of course I've made bad choices sometimes, but would I really stop myself from going through them?  If I hadn't got married to my first husband, I wouldn't have my three amazing older daughters, so although he was a very difficult person to love and I went through some terrible times because of him, I can’t regret it because of what I now have, even though at the time is was painful.

Carrying on with that train of thought, if I hadn't got divorced at the time that I did, I wouldn't have been around to meet my second husband who I have now been married to for 21 years and with whom I had my fourth beautiful daughter.

I would never tell myself not to fall in love with some of the boys I thought I was in love with, because they all played a part in my teenage years, and again, although there was hurt, there was also experience.

I suppose the one thing I would tell myself, is to believe in myself more and do what truly makes me happy, as what I still regret now is that I didn't go to study music when I was young.  I didn’t develop my voice and I didn't make a living from singing.  I had a good start with the choir and orchestra at my high school, and the singing lessons that my parents paid for, but then I made choices that took me down a different route and I didn't have the confidence or the belief that even with young children I could still have done something with my talent, rather than thinking that being a mum was all that I was ever going to be.  I thought you couldn't do both and that my chance had passed, but I was wrong. 

I was still in my early twenties when my two oldest girls were born, so my voice had not yet fully developed and there would still have been time to train it and use it more. I know my parents would have supported me if I had tried to do this, even if my husband didn’t, but I suppose he was the biggest influence in my life at that time, and like I said, he was a difficult person.  I have used my voice over the years in choirs and amateur operatic societies, but I know it could have been more if only I’d tried that bit harder.

Here’s something I think I've only ever told one other person.  When I was growing up I always thought I would be somebody.  That I would get discovered and spend my life travelling the world singing for a living.  I couldn't even comprehend how you could exist for years and years just going to work every day without everyone knowing who you were.  How could I live in this world anonymously, doing the same things day in and day out?  It didn't bear thinking about and I was so sure it wouldn't happen to me, but it did happen.  It crept up on me as each year passed and no one came knocking on my door to hand me a contract.  Well why would they?  I didn't go out and seek it. I stayed home and let life happen instead of making my life what I wanted it to be.  

So that would be my advice to my younger self.  Get off your butt and go out and find what you’re looking for, because you can be absolutely sure that no one is going to bring it to you.